Can we take a pause?

reflections on urgency

A jellyfish I captured at a visit to the New York Aquarium in Coney Island in June.

If you know me, you know I’ve always been a do-er.

When someone presents a problem, I quickly move to solutions - how can I help or who do I know who might be able to? While this is a useful quality—and one that many times people are receptive to—I have to remind myself that not everyone is necessarily looking for a solution. Sometimes, we just need to vent, or feel, or be seen.

I’ve been trying to practice asking friends/my partner/family when they are sharing with me, what they are seeking by sharing (i.e. an ear, a brainstorm, validation of their feelings) and I’ve noticed it helps me better meet them where they are instead of just dumping ideas on them which tends to be my M.O. 🫢 Again, trying…I’m totally not there yet.

I notice my problem-solver-hat doesn’t just go on with other people’s problems. I am quick to jump to solutions in my own life, too. I want to move to action immediately. I have a deep-seated urge to clear my obligations as quickly as possible. Now, to do what exactly? is the question. Perhaps so I can rest more easily? Move onto the “fun” parts of my day? Feel unencumbered until the next obstacle or task presents itself?

What I am dancing around here is a general sense of urgency that meets me not just around obstacles, but around many parts of my life from the most mundane to the most tantalizing ideas that tempt me to execution NOW.

I do pride myself on my ability and motivation to self-actualize quickly, I recognize this is a superpower AND I recognize it can create a lot unnecessary stress and anxiety for me and for people around me.

There are times where I move so fast, I end up going in a direction that I might not actually want to go in because I didn’t take the time to process, consider, see what else might emerge. Which can end up being a huge waste of time and energy. Being addicted to the thrill of getting something done hasn’t always lead me to the best solutions.

Now, some of this is my own stuff and a lot of it is the culture in which we live. Constant overstimulation and the expectation to always be “on” are just a couple of factors contributing to “urgency culture,” and it puts us into a constant state of fight or flight that interferes with our body’s ability to perform its most crucial functions.¹

The Cleveland Clinic explains that our fight or flight response was developed and passed down by our ancestors who were in life threatening situations a lot more frequently than we currently are. It was intended to help us survive.² The problem is, nowadays this “stress response” is getting triggered not just by an accident or turbulence on a plane, but by things like unread emails, a big work call, or even anticipating a to-do list.

I don’t love this for us, especially because it’s detrimental to our physical and mental health.³

I am immensely grateful to have a stellar therapist who I talk about so much in this newsletter, you’d think she sponsored it.

I am not sure when she first noticed my pattern of moving/thinking/deciding quickly, but one day in a session she urged me to slooooow doooooooown. She asked me to pause speaking and take a breath—something she often does when she can see I’m in urgent!!! share mode.

As she mimed turning down a dial in mid air, she said to me, “Remember, you control the pace.” I felt my internal systems slow and regulate. I took a breath. Then another.

When my stress response is activated I sometimes feel it as a tightness in my chest. Other times it’s a manic, intoxicating energy and excitement, and urge to DO. THE. THING. NOW.

I am getting better at recognizing the difference between a false sense of urgency pushing me to move or do faster than necessary and a true need to start something immediately. In my own life and observations I’ve noticed, very few things are truly urgent.

A linocut I made earlier this year when meditating on urgency culture and my own relationship to it.

Last week, I was on a call among the team at Foster, which is a collective of writers that I’ve been a part of for the last year. We were meeting to discuss how the organization is shifting towards further de-centralization.

Without getting too much into the weeds, I’ll say that part of what’s really exciting about this shift is that as facilitators we are going to have increased autonomy to create and run our writing circles that feel tailored to our interests and communities and that highlight our individual personalities and strengths AND we can start charging for them, should we choose.

Queue my beautiful brain jumping immediately with ALL THE IDEAS. And questions about how, when, “what will X look like?”

Then there was that quiet little voice amid the chaos that said, none of this isn’t urgent.

When it came time to share our thoughts and questions with the group, I decided to amplify that little voice in my head to the zoom room and remind us all that while this is a precipice of many exciting possibilities, there is no rush. We can be slow, intentional, watch each other and learn from each other’s processes. Many folks sent me a message letting me know what I’d shared really resonated.

It could have just been me, but I felt like we all took a big exhale. Seeing the relief that came at the reminder that we can be slow, made me realize that there are probably other people out there who need the reminder.

In all the emails, posts, notifications, demands, I just want to be one little quiet voice among the noise reminding you that very few things are truly urgent.

That email can wait. The floor will be dirty tomorrow. If the idea is good, it will be there next week. You can afford the pause. It probably will feel really good to take a deep breath, or two. Your brain and body will thank you for it.

In practice,
Jasmine

My friend, Minnow, and I had some fun taking a few headshots before I left NY. He did an absolutely astounding job making me feel comfortable and at ease, despite the fact that I despise being in front of the camera. He even got some serious shots of me which I am hoping will be the author photo on the back of my first book 😉 If you are looking for someone to take your headshot check out Minnow here. He has a really unique background and approach as he blends his work as a photographer and a coach.

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An invitation

As I mentioned, I’ve been facilitating weekly writing circles with Foster, a community where we’ve cultivated a way of writing together that leads to truer expressions of creativity and self. It’s fun, it’s interesting, and it makes writing easier, less lonely, and more fulfilling.

What I’ve always loved about the circles, and what attracted me to the space, was having a standing meeting time for my writing, something that in a busy schedule often got pushed to the end of the to-do list.

Being in community and having the protected time each week has helped me stay committed to a consistent writing practice, something I’ve craved for years.

Many of the writers are working on weekly or monthly newsletters. Some use the time to journal or write a letter. Some tackle work writing or simply make a gratitude list.

Each week we open up with 15 minutes of check-ins and stating intentions for our writing time, we write for an hour (muted with our cameras off), and then we come back together for the last 15 minutes to share how the session went.

Whether you want to drop-in or become a regular, here is your invitation. The circle is completely free (and I plan on keeping it that way) and it’s every Tuesday at 10am pst/1pm est.

Have questions or know someone who might like to join, send me a note!

1. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/urgency-culture-burnout

2. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-happens-to-your-body-during-the-fight-or-flight-response

3. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037#:~:text=The%20long%2Dterm%20activation%20of,Depression.