Circle up 🫶🏼

gathering our people around us for *specific* support

I’ve been a longtime fan of Priya Parker’s work, specifically her encouragement to design gatherings around a unique and specific need. She tells a really great story about a journalist who threw a “Worn-Out Mom’s Hootenanny” that’s stuck with me for years. Read more about the hootenanny and snag a few tips on throwing a better party of your own, here.

I’ve always felt a natural inclination to design gatherings with intention, always feeling more fulfilled by an interaction knowing that there was thought around, why this group? Why gather them now? Or as adrienne maree brown (another cherished teacher) challenges us to consider:

“There is a conversation in the room that only these people at this moment can have. Find it.”

When I became pregnant, I knew these same questions would guide a gathering that would be ultra specific to my unique needs as I crossed the threshold into Mamahood.

One of the books given to me in early pregnancy was, Ancient Map for Modern Birth, by Pam England, in which there was a chapter about Mother Blessings. Before reading this book I hadn’t heard the term “Mother Blessing.” I grew up going to very American baby showers with themes, registries, diaper cakes, and a whole host of games that most people play out of obligation (anyone remember the one where you guess which chocolate candy bar is smeared in each diaper? 🥴). I actually love games of all kinds, so I’m always the very enthusiastic (& competitive!) participant.

These gatherings indeed have their place, I just knew that for me, that wasn’t what I needed or craved in this moment and that there were other types of support calling.

I wanted a heavy dose of feminine energy. I knew I wanted to be witnessed as a pregnant person—especially given how much big life transitions felt like they were taking up a lot of space during my pregnancy—and that I wanted to create space for wisdom and guidance, as well as some time practical tasks that would help set me up for postpartum.

I journaled about the ceremony, my needs, and who I’d want to be there. I have lots of lovely people in my life, but I certainly wouldn’t send an open invite to my entire contact list asking people to come wash and rub my feet 😅.

What I needed and who were the people to help bring those needs to life were two important questions.

Once I’d spent some time reflecting, the vision for the gathering was clear—the hard part was creating the invitation (and I don’t mean choosing which graphic to upload on the Partiful or what font to choose). Writing the words in the description was gruuuuuuuuueling 🫠.

My first draft was vague and bleeding my fear to ask for what I really wanted:

Please join me to bless my transition into motherhood. It would be really great to have your help as I prepare some practical items and also to be witnessed. Maybe we could make some bone broth or energy balls together? I’d be happy to get the bones from the butcher! Maybe some light massage, if anyone is open to that. I also really want to make padcicles for postpartum —if someone might be able to bring pads and witch hazel? But only if it’s not too much to ask. We’ll need to eat something, so maybe someone can make soup..or I totally can.

I kept reading and re-reading and the whole thing felt unclear and unorganized. How many times could I actually type the word “maybe”? How am I going to manage who is actually bringing what? Could I really ask someone to go get bones for broth? Do I sound needy? What if people don’t want to touch my feet?!

I went to a local cafe and sat down with the intention to do some serious editing. After stumbling for no less than two hours, I realized what I needed to do was articulate EXACTLY what I wanted and ask people to opt in where they felt they could.

Here’s the revised invitation, verbatim:

After months of transition, unknown, and a lot of executive functioning, I am looking forward to having a moment to center and honor my transition from maiden to mother with some of my dear friends and practice asking for help 🥹

I am craving hands on touch and also help preparing potions, nourishment, and postpartum logistics, that will be invaluable in helping to prepare and help heal me ❣️ Here’s how I’d love your help if you choose/can participate:

🥀 Will someone plan a blessing?

🍲 Will someone make & bring a big batch of broth—bone or other—that I can put in my freezer? (A priority in postpartum is warming foods and broth is a powerhouse for healing at this stage.)

🍪 Will someone make and bring a batch of lactation cookies or energy balls that I can also freeze?

🥣 Vanessa, will you bring your crystal bowl and give us a little sound healing during the blessing?

🩸 Will someone bring a pack of jumbo feminine pads and a bottle of witch hazel for making “padcicles”? I’ll have the herbs.

If none of the above call to you here are some other ways I could use support right now:

🕯️ bring a yummy candle that I can use for the birth.

🐄 nipple balm (on registry).

🍎 nursing bra (on registry).

🥘 help organizing a meal train for the first month of postpartum.

🛏️ Sourcing old sheets that may be lying around your house and/or white or light colored towels that you no longer need/want (as well as washcloths).

💰 Cash towards our doula fund!

I am imagining that as a group when we come together we can prepare the padcicles, do a blessing and make blessing bracelets (I’ll have the stuff for this!), and do a foot bath/light massage moment/maybe belly art 🎨 ✨

I appreciate you all so much for receiving me as I articulate what I need right now. It feels incredibly vulnerable & scary but also really good to ask.

I sent the link to a group of about 10 and then held my breath.

Almost immediately I started getting texts back thanking me for being explicit about what kind of help I needed. Friends starting commenting signing up to bring the witch hazel or committing to make a pot of broth. They actually LOVED that I told them how to support. Even the folks who couldn’t join responded saying they really appreciated how clear I was about what I needed and offered to bring by broth or bedsheets at a later date.

I think often times when we have people around us going through a big life thing — whether it be ushering in new life, losing a job, ending a relationship, having a relative fall ill — we want to help them, but we don’t always know how.

What if we practiced being more explicit about what we need—from the most intimate requests to the most unglamorous?

A recent example of this is that an aunt just asked what I need as I get into the final days of my pregnancy and I asked for a reusable diaper pail liner. I apologized for it not being a very exciting ask and she assured me she was relieved to get me something that was actually on my need list as opposed to another outfit my newborn probably will never wear.

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The morning of the blessing, as I shampooed my hair, I suddenly had an urge to cancel the event. While the intellectual part of my brain knew I wanted (and needed!) this blessing (and the executive, event planner in me had brought it to life) my emotional body felt suddenly very exposed and raw at the idea of receiving in such a focussed way.

I let the warm water rain down on my skin, I took a few breaths into the discomfort, and I reminded myself that my friends had opted IN. They had put the calendar hold weeks ago. They had proactively found a new date when we had to reschedule due to me catching the nasty cold that was going around. They had decided which of my asks felt aligned with what they could give.

I took another breath. I felt vulnerable and seen—and that was actually a really good thing. It will be okay. I am okay.

Later that night, nine beloveds gathered into my living room, each coming through my front door with offerings—some I had asked for and a few I hadn’t but adored ❤️—broths, cookies, flowers, candles, pads, nipple balms, epson salts.

With one friend rubbing my shoulders from behind and two at my soaking feet, massaging my calves and sore arches, I watched as three other friends gathered in the kitchen, steeping herbs and pouring witch hazel onto pads while they laughed big belly laughter at a joke someone had made. My apartment felt full of life, I felt support on all sides—I was certainly not alone, now or in the future.

The thought crossed my mind:

Why aren’t we asking our friends to gather in ritual around us for all kinds of reasons, especially ones that are more mundane or less popular than your typical baby, wedding, or graduation?

“I 10/10 recommend asking your friends to circle up around you, pregnant or not!” I said to the group, serotonin-drunk as a friend massaged my scalp. The room laughed gleefully at how much I was enjoying myself.

“No, but seriously! Why aren’t we asking people to gather around us for all kinds of reasons more regularly?”

“That’s a really good point,” someone said back. Another voice in the room piped in that they actually had done a similar ritual for a friend who was down in the dumps and needed a pick-me-up! I was inspired to hear, but also have a hunch that it’s not common practice in most peoples’ circles.

Can we change that?

My painted belly — yes, my friends did a collaborative painting with non-toxic face paint to bless baby and I. On my wrist is a bracelet made out of 9 strings, each imbued with a wish/blessing/intention from each person that was in the circle, for me and my growing family, braided together as a reminder of the circle I have around me. I want people to steal this bracelet blessing for a whole host of reasons (again, not just babies!). Every time I look at my wrist I am reminded of the web that I have, ready and waiting to catch me, should I need ❤️

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I leave you with this challenge—and because I know we have different comfort levels asking for help—I’ll pose two different versions, ‘lite’ & ‘full send’ 😂:

🌱 Lite: Ask someone in your life for something you’ve been craving/needing/wanting but have been weary to ask for. A few ideas:

• Ask your significant other to rub your back/feet/hands. Tell them where, how much pressure. Affirm what feels good and re-direct when something doesn’t.

• Ask your direct manager at work for the 1:1 meeting that you discussed starting months ago but fell through the cracks. Tell them what would be helpful to cover each week from your perspective.

• Sick of getting drinks every time you go out with friends? For your next hang ask if you can do something restorative together or perhaps tag team an errand. I remember years ago a friend asking me to come over and help her fold laundry and pack for a month long backpacking trip because she was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start.

🏁 Full Send: Ask a few friends to circle up around you and a current need, ideally in-person. This could be for a more conventional reason, like a baby, or a wedding, but what about everyday struggles and triumphs that it would feel good to have your people come together around you for?

• Seasonal depression got you down? Invite a couple friends to your house (yes, you can opt out of traveling). Ask one of them to bring dinner (😳). Think about what would feel nourishing and ask them to partake. A massage isn’t out of the question if you like that and they consent. Yes, you can ask if they would help you deep clean your kitchen. Ask someone to make a playlist and instigate a dance party. Don’t know what would help you? Ask a friend, who you trust and who knows you well, to take the lead and plan the whole damn thing!

• Recently lost a job or been out of work? Have a “Help Me Get A Job” party. Do realtime edits, or a whole revamp(!) of your resume with the group. Rummage through LinkedIn together to see what friends have connects to people at your dream companies or industries — ask them to send the intro message right there, that night! Ask people to help you workshop questions for your interview (yes, as an interviewee it’s always a good idea to have thoughtful questions for the interviewer—it shows your interest, curiosity, and initiative).

Other reasons you might want a circle around you:

• recently shared hard news with a loved one and you are feeling a bit tender

• had a really big win personally or at work and you want to be seen in that

• feeling disorganized in some area of your life (financial, relational, creatively) and want a mirror/help/feedback

• struggling with being a parent (or having a parent!) & looking for communal wisdom, both practical or spiritual

There’s a million reasons to ask for support from your community and I have a hunch that there are many folks who would jump at the opportunity to help you — especially if given a specific way they can.

What do you think, are you up for helping people love you the way you need?

In practice & with love,

Jasmine

Me, reaping the JOY, from asking for help, then sinking into receiving it.